AUDIOBOOK REVIEW: He Wins, She Wins by Willard F. Harley Jr.

Disagreement between married couples is common.  This is the issue that Willard F. Harley Jr. tackles in his book He Wins, She Wins: Learning the Art of Martial Negotiation.  His premise is that couples need to strive for “mutual enthusiastic agreement” in their conflicts.

The first half of the book is focused on the art of negotiation and keys to a having a “win-win” approach to negotiation.  This section is focused on the “rules of engagement.”  Part 2 is dedicated to the specific circumstances of marital conflict and how the principles of Part 1 can be applied.  All the conflict biggies are covered: family, finances, children, and a long chapter on sex.

I can imagine this book being very helpful for a lot of couples, particularly ones who are experiencing frequent and intense conflict.  It would give them a common set of rules and vocabulary to utilize.  This is a very practical book.

That said, I would have difficulty recommending this book to couples since I feel like it squarely nails the “how” without really touching on the “why.”  Why is a marriage defined by healthy conflict resolution so important?  Harley holds up the ideal of a marriage defined by romantic love as the goal.  Nowhere to be found in this purportedly Christian book is a compelling biblical vision of a healthy marriage.  Romantic love is an important element of a healthy marriage.  But romantic love and sacrificial, agape love as defined in scripture are not solid synonyms.  In fact, on several occasions in the book Harley implies that sacrificing on behalf of one’s spouse could actually undermine healthy negotiation because it fosters a hierarchical environment.   How does this jive with Ephesians chapter five, where Christian husbands are called to lay down their lives for their wives?

I can remember scripture being referenced only once in this book: in an off-hand, illustrative way in the chapter on sex.  The reference is so parenthetical it could have been left out and no one would notice.  Why didn’t Harley just leave it out and market this book to a more general secular/Christian audience?  I wouldn’t fault him for that, even though I personally believe that all marriage issues are, at the heart, discipleship issues.  We wouldn’t disciple someone without using scripture as our foundation, so how can we help build healthy marriages without this same foundation?

I have already found myself referencing the ideas and exercises in this book in my own marriage counseling sessions, so there is definite value in adding this book to your shelf.  I recommend it as a reference resource, but perhaps not as a resource I would hand to a quarreling couple to read together.  I want to encourage the application of biblical principles, and this book simply doesn’t emphasize that enough.

Harley does a good job narrating his own work in the audiobook version.

Please Note: This audiobook was gifted as a part of the Christianaudio Reviewers Program in exchange for my unbiased review of this work. This has in no way influenced my opinion or review of this work.  More information can be found about this and other Christian audiobooks at christianaudio.com.